Chew on This, World

If you remember Everything then Nothing means Anything.

June I-care. God-cares.

God... I finally love you... please forgive me for making Mick try to live up to you. She never made it.

June who-cares

Tux-

You're sitting here moping and hurting and thinking your birthday is ruined when you could be getting back up, reading your bible or trying to appreciate the good in you instead of focusing on your fifth nearly-fatal mistake. You lost the center of you life and you feel hopeless and lost. You had something to cling to that made you feel happy and it's gone because it was human and you weren't ready. Tux, you're an immature, selfish brat. You're no different that all the 'idiots' you mock. You're just like all of them. You're a hypocrite.

You've been pretending to be a Christian. When you hear them sing songs of praise, you step back and wonder if they're really praising God or if this is all just a big hoax. You think they sound like brainwashed drones and you don't want to sing along because you hate your voice, you don't want to be fooled, and you've never experienced any of the things they sing about in the songs. You claimed to be saved early and complained that you didn't know what a life in sin was like, so you couldn't tell the difference. Do you like it? Are you enjoying your life in sin? Does it feel GOOD?! Are you done with lying to yourself? To everyone else?

You think Mick and momma are crazy, the way they attribute everything to Jesus. You're amazed at how often they talk about him like there's nothing else in the world, Tux, because you believe there is. You don't think everyone needs salvation. I'd like to show you hell for five minutes and see if you come back better minded.

And while I'm at it, Tux, you're disgusted with the way Emily treats Mick like a little human. You screamed in frustration when you read her last praise for him on the blog. You said he doesn't let her wipe away her years, she picks him up and forcefully rubs him against her eyes. He doesn't want to kiss her, he wants the praise that follows. He doesn't want to comfort her, he just wants affection like all animals. He might can sense emotions, but not to the extent of consoling her when she's upset. And she's usually only upset because of YOU, Tux, you ungodly little brat. You loving her so much was the REASON she left. She hung on just for your happiness, just so you wouldn't fail school, just so she wouldn't destroy you, because you had redeeming qualities, even if you can't see them. You know you have them, and you hate that, because you would rather be ground into the dirt you came from. You really don't think there's hope and you did want her leave. You don't know if this is God's plan like you always ask because you don't know God. You're weak. You're soft. You don't deserve anything. You never paid attention to her you. You're typing this out in anger, finally realizing just how split your mind is. Does it feel good? Talking to yourself and another person? Do you feel crazy yet? Carry on.

Tux... please don't let go... I'm not angry with you and I love you. You deserve grace and mercy. You're not a bad person. You are a Christian, you're not lying to yourself. The people in your life are there for a reason, to help you during times like these. You're a wonderful person, despite the flaws you can fix. Don't be mad at yourself. Don't be mad at others. I know you're angry. Don't worry. Just pray.

And since you're so hurt by it, Reid is gone now. Don't worry. The way she talked about him was a long time ago, and no matter how perfect for her he sounded, she doesn't love him now. You wanted to idolize him after hearing about it, I know. He had the good qualities you thought you didn't. He was funny and smart and cute and he always knew what to do. You considered yourself useless after that, and you weren't. Don't believe Satan's lies. Don't worry about Ethan, either. I know you thought he was the reason she broke up with you at first, but he loves someone else and God really has called her heart to missions. Especially in Japan.

DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T. That's all I heard up there. EVERY. SENTENCE. You always ignored her. You gave her nothing she needed. You went and played Portal, didn't you?. You lied and said your family wanted to spend time with you. You cheated on her with a VIDEO GAME. How pathetic is that? If I had to make a new scale for patheticness, I would put your name at the top. You've been such a failure and you're trying to pull yourself out? Big whoop. You're not going anywhere. You know how you treat your friends like this? Doesn't it feel fantastic? I feel fantastic. Isn't that that song you listen to? The Golden Age of Video too? Those songs with cuss words? Some 'Christian' you are, you jerk. You are a jerk. Just like the guys at school. What the irony.

Tux, please, try to focus on me... those are lies. You tried to give Mick what she needed, and she loves you dearly, more than you know! You just

Hey, Miss Goody-two-shoes, you messed up the ending. LOVED. She's moved on! She'll find better, don't you worry. She offered to make out with you as a friend, right? Ethan's a friend, isn't he? Bet she loves him dearly too. And Casey! He's always an encouragement and a listening ear! You weren't ever that, were you? Nope! She'd be happy! In fact, they're so close, Holli tried to commit suicide over it! Ha! You weren't going to tell anyone that, either! You always feel small and clingy and ignored? Well, they don't. And neither does your oh-so-perfect Mick! You know what's not true? Opposites don't attract, they repulse and revolt each other! Nice job being revolting, kiddo! XD A revolting little pervert. You thought she liked that? She didn't. She just wanted to hang on to

Tux! Please! Let God speak to you! Go to his Word! Don't listen!

Yeah, because a dusty old book is going to help you. Fat chance. Sure, it might make you feel a little better, but it's not going to help your relationships. I'm going to post this all over your little blog and make EVERYONE hate you. Help Me? How appropriate. You don't need help, you need a miracle.

Miracles happen! Please, Tux! Keep trying! God wants to love you! You're important! Don't leave everything behind. I love you, Tux, and so does God. You're a mess, but you're a beautiful mess. You care too much about what people think of you... please just be yourself!

Too late, woman. He'll be dead to his precious Emily Maria Jones! How exciting! I'm giddy! This is what he really wanted all along, right?

No! He loves her with all of his heart, soul, mind, and strength... she is his God. If he could focus on the real God, they would be so happy together... forever...

Forever? He's going to hell now. He'll have lots of fun! Can't wait.

Tux, please...

I think I know what spiritual warfare is now.

June 1

Critical.

Critical.

Critical.

Criticalcriticalcriticalcriticalcritical.

Always critical, that's me.

And more of myself than others. Usually.

I'd like to pose a question, God. If you don't mind.

Why can't I accept the good things about me instead of focusing on the bad?

Like, for example.

She really does love me, even if there are a million little things I'm doing wrong I could nitpick at.

I talk fast, but it adds a sort of charm. That's a bit of a stretch.

I'm sensitive, but at least I'm not Mr. Macho.

I can't sing, but I can write all right.

I have good idea sometimes, even without a way to carry them out.

I'm negative but,

Well. Right now I'm being positive, I think.

It feels pretty good.

It's weird.

But I can see how this could add seven years to my life. Mick would have me seven years longer, Lord willing.

CRAP.

I just realized.

That social skills aspie workbook was actually right!

That whole positive countertalk thing works.

I'm surprised.

I thought they were whackjobs.

God, help me to be more positive like this, and less self-critical. Please. Help me to keep away those gray moods that seem to overtake me.

May 23

I'm never going to add up to him.

The way she speaks of him. He was on a pedestal in her eyes. She idolized him.

I crouch by her feet and beg for love constantly. And when I force her to, she gives it.

Casey says I'm what she needs now and she has to accept that.

I need to accept that.

He told me what he thinks I am.

"You are so sweet to her."

Except when I'm dragging her down.

"You say 'I love you' even though you know she'll respond with something stupid like 'I love me too!'."

She doesn't always end it at that...

"You do everything you can for her."

No, I don't. I still do things for myself. I'm self-serving.

"And the affection she doesn't always accept is really what she needs."

I just give it at the wrong times. That's my problem. I can't stay cold as stone like her. I'm not tough. I'm tender.

I watch [TITLE REDACTED]. Does not compute with tough. I'm a wimp. No matter how funny that show is, I'm not a man. Or the man she needs.

"She puts herself in a tough shell and can't open up for anyone because she doesn't want to."

Lord... help me break her shell... somehow. Or maybe you can just slide it off her gently. Like a silk dress.

This shell is tough... I can't break it on my own. I hate hurting her.

I wanted to spray the rest of the chocolate axe she loves into my eyes after last night.

I'm a pansy.

Lord, help me...

I just want to make her laugh.

(*But [REDACTED] does = awesome. That computes. I'm just not... enough of a man.)

May 18

I ran to second base.

Do I have character?

Or am I the problem in all my relationships?

I think I'm just a nice guy...

Nothing beyond that.

May 13

I act like I don't know you, when I crash you're the first I go to, when

I'm down and feeling alone, I'm better off with you...

Is that true for me? Who do I go to?

Mick. That's who I go to.

God, I feel inferior to everyone. I feel undeserving of anything good. I feel like I'm a pathetic mistake.

Which is funny because you don't make mistakes.

God, don't ask me why, but I find it hard to have faith. To trust.

It comes so naturally for Mick. She makes everything seem so easy, so simple.

When you're me on the inside, it's not.