May 23

I'm never going to add up to him.

The way she speaks of him. He was on a pedestal in her eyes. She idolized him.

I crouch by her feet and beg for love constantly. And when I force her to, she gives it.

Casey says I'm what she needs now and she has to accept that.

I need to accept that.

He told me what he thinks I am.

"You are so sweet to her."

Except when I'm dragging her down.

"You say 'I love you' even though you know she'll respond with something stupid like 'I love me too!'."

She doesn't always end it at that...

"You do everything you can for her."

No, I don't. I still do things for myself. I'm self-serving.

"And the affection she doesn't always accept is really what she needs."

I just give it at the wrong times. That's my problem. I can't stay cold as stone like her. I'm not tough. I'm tender.

I watch [TITLE REDACTED]. Does not compute with tough. I'm a wimp. No matter how funny that show is, I'm not a man. Or the man she needs.

"She puts herself in a tough shell and can't open up for anyone because she doesn't want to."

Lord... help me break her shell... somehow. Or maybe you can just slide it off her gently. Like a silk dress.

This shell is tough... I can't break it on my own. I hate hurting her.

I wanted to spray the rest of the chocolate axe she loves into my eyes after last night.

I'm a pansy.

Lord, help me...

I just want to make her laugh.

(*But [REDACTED] does = awesome. That computes. I'm just not... enough of a man.)