May 1

Every Sunday night God tries to tear me apart.

Apparently I have a knack for staring off posts poetically, but that's beside the point.

I take a class called 'Dating to the Altar'... God knows this, and that's who I'm writing to.

I'm inadequate. That depresses me like the old days.

EVERY NIGHT. Without fail. Reagan says something that makes me either want to change or die. Or both.

Combine that with previously mentioned lingering confusion/turmoil from that one day and my life feels ridiculous.

Unreachable goals.

Self-inflicted obstacles.

Crazy, stupid, pointless dreams.

I want to be on stage. That way, I can be something I'm not without being called out or judged.

Yes, I love drama. Yes, I have a passion for drama. Yes, I take my theatre seriously.

But that's my crazy stupid dream.

I know not to say it's unattainable. But somedays my life feels like a big relapse.

I want it. And that's a big thing for me. To actually want something.

I lived complacent and controlled for so long that it was hard for me to decide anything. I had no passion. Nothing.

I'm still getting over it.

I lost my train of thought. Maybe it'll get back on rail next time...

Lord, help me to be the freaking leader I have to be to feel the slightest bit adequate.

Lord, help that sort of bluntness never be said to you again... I'm supposed to respect and obey you, not talk back to you like that.

God, I need help. And hope.

Help me to deal with Mick the way I should. Take away this confusion. Bring me peace.