A Journal

I knew it was a mistake.

I've severed any sort of deeper connection I have with her now, and I can't go back.

I can't force myself to take a break when I wonder about her all the time.

I realize now that she takes a good portion of what I think about...

It was good to talk things out with her... but I know I ruined any trust she had in me.

And I doubt she really was watching my every move, because she would have known that my disconnection wasn't from being tired.

I don't know if she was trying to please me or not... I think it might've been sincere...

Why do I doubt her so much?

I guess I'm just insecure.

Am I really hurt that badly?

It's not the pain of the breakup... I assumed she was fine because she was perfectly happy breaking it off and carrying on.

I was a lot less willing...

I guess it's not a bad thing she was able to carry on normally. No matter how I felt.

And it was alright for her to break up with me. I mean... yeah, I guess I wasn't ready like she said. And I couldn't make her happy. And I kept trying so hard to please her.

And I was hyper.

And I didn't love ferrets.

And I didn't respect her space enough.

I was needy and clingy.

Everything I wasn't is everything she wants.

I really don't think I'm going to find anyone else. Unless she's a gold digger or paid or forced...

If the 'normal' girls at school are any indication, I'm not anything special. There's always the better man.

I'm glad I have friends who can put up with me. I don't understand why they all rose to my aid...

Well, Casey I understand.

Ethan says he's been through an almost identical situation before...

Nick is the one I don't get.

He rose to help me. After all I did to his sister.

I hurt her. I hurt her so often and he still came.

He doesn't know me... He should be happy I'm in pain. Serves me right.

This whole experience has really widened me up to a few things.

I'm the same as the jerks at school.

I'm just not that good of a guy.

I'm nothing special.

I don't pay enough attention to the one's I love.

I tend to be a jerk.

I joke at the worst times.

I take everything personally.

I can't be trusted.

I read too far into things.

My assumptions are wrong.

My desire to play video games is stupid.

I don't know what God thinks of me completely. I don't know how he views these things. My dad might agree to a good number.

Why do I feel that if I enjoy something or desire to do it, I am suddenly aware that it's probably not God's will for me?

I would love to voice act or act on TV or in live theater, but it can't be what God wants. I would mess it up. It would become about me. I have all these daydreams that are stupid. I would crumble in the limelight.

God, what do you want me to do?