April 28

April 28

I came close to death.

Internally, anyways.

I almost lost her. It was the worst experience of my life. She was going to leave.

I considered suicide. But I'm a wimp. I would never.

But she's still here and happy and loving.

Why? No one will tell me why.

All I told her was that I had been praying and reading my bible and writing this journal. And she came back.

She had written me a long heartfelt letter that described in detail how she was feeling about me. And I told her what I had been doing... those two things don't add up in my head. She begged me to take her back, and that confused me even more...

I don't deserve her. Yes, I've been doing all those things, but I still treat her worse than she deserves. I should've begged her...

I'm still a wreck on the inside. I don't want to tell her, though. I care about her too much.

But sometimes it feels like too little... God, help me to understand.

Thank you for the opening night going so well. Help us all to keep it up. Please make tomorrow's show amazing, for your glory.

Help me to treat Mick the way you demand your children to be treated. Teach me to be a leader, Lord.

April 20

I have to wonder.

I have to wonder why I felt that hole again, God. Because I merely skimmed my Bible that morning.

I felt depressed and lonely like I did before it all clicked, God. I needed someone, anyone... you weren't there.

I mean, not with me. Not comforting me.

Is it because I didn't pray and ask? I guess it's my fault.

It's always my fault.

I'm feeling it again.

God, help me to be better to Mick. Help me to treat her the way you want me to treat her.

Help me to stay close to you, God. Or at least help me try.

Help all of us in The Sound of Music. Let us give our best and make it a phenomenal show for your glory. And even if it isn't, use it for your gain.

God, somedays I don't feel like telling you a love you. It's been hollow for too long. I'm still not sure.

But help me anyways...

April 18

April 18, 1 Day until Portal 2

I think I get it now. I don't understand it, but I get it. Does that make sense?

I get it. I get why I have to do it. I know why I want to do it. I don't understand how to do it, but I'm doing it anyways.

Heck, I don't even understand it.

When he said not to marry someone who doesn't show these qualities, that hit me like a spear to the rib cage. I knew I had to change. Either that or I could mope and be screwed for the rest of my life.

Anyways.

I felt different for the first time in my life today. Is this change? Effort? Resolve? I honestly don't know. But it's God.

I don't know if I acted that different today, but I didn't feel as alone as I normally do. That's pretty good.

God, I want to pray that you'll heal my sister completely. I know it seems like I don't care, but just looking at her, bald and being injected with chemicals... it really does hurt. I thank you that you've been working on her already.

Help me to take nothing forgranted. Help me to remember that everything is yours, and for a purpose.

Help me to see the beauty in life, God. There must be so much I've missed in my bubble of depression, shame, and pity.

Help me to joke as easily as I always do. Thank you for gifting me with a sense of humor... even sarcastic. That's not a typical thing for an aspie. Thank you for giving me the ability and opportunity to act.

Help me to balance out Mick, Portal, and the rest of my life.

Lord, help me to stay beside you... or at least right behind you.

April 17

Exactly.

I'm going to actually try and change things now. I'm putting forth an effort for the first time in my life. Dedicating. I've asked Reagan to mentor me. It's his class that gave me my revelation.

He's said yes.

I'm supposed to be the strong spiritual leader in my relationship, but I'm an all around weakling. And I know Mick won't marry me until I become the leader she's supposed to submit to.

God, that may be a selfish motive, but take me. Help me to become that leader. Help me to be honest with Reagan. Give me a desire to know you closer.

Help me to keep my hands off Mick. You know I need that.

I guess

I KNOW this is a turning point in my life. That's just not for dramatic effect. I say guess too often.

God, help me to be less indecisive. Give me your guidance. Show me that I'm a new creation in you, not bound by my sin, personality, inhibitions, or desires. Give me your freedom, Lord. Make me yours.