A List

Going to make a list of things that crossed my mind today.

Things that remind me of me:

A smiley face balloon forgotten and stuck to the ceiling of the cancer ward.

A quiet puppy lying on it's side.

"Beneath that milky hide, there's emptiness inside."

A man on the side of the road shaking a cup at everyone who passes by.

A long road and giant hedges and gate led to great expectations that fell when you could see all of Truett's very humble home (which I liked, I'm just making a parallel).

Solo beating the cage door with her face until she's bleeding but able to escape, just to be put back inside later.

Things that crossed my mind:

A drunk woman hitting on my dad at the Braves game in full view of her husband that reminded me all too much of Mick.

A dog begging for scraps like I beg for attention.

Oh crap I have to get on stage in the morning for Drama.

Thing I wish:

A talent scout would show up at Pocahontas and ask to see me afterwards.

That Cici will be as sweet as Solo, her mother.

That I can help Powhatan with his role.

That I can stop comparing myself to Mick.

That I could stop craving those hugs or that warm kiss on the cheek. That I could stop being lonely.

That I didn't feel so worthless around girls my age now.

Things to remember tomorrow:

You're nothing special so don't think she'll treat you like you are.

Ignore any cuddliness with Ethan.

Ignore the consistent affectionate nickname.

Don't retreat inside yourself when near Mick. She shouldn't have any control over your personality now. I know it's hard to undo the things she did to it on the inside.

Be glad she can't read this.

Songs that have triggered a major emotional conflict today and won't leave my mind:

"Forget and Not Slow Down"

and

"There Was No Thief"

Usually the latter.

God, help me...

A Journal

I knew it was a mistake.

I've severed any sort of deeper connection I have with her now, and I can't go back.

I can't force myself to take a break when I wonder about her all the time.

I realize now that she takes a good portion of what I think about...

It was good to talk things out with her... but I know I ruined any trust she had in me.

And I doubt she really was watching my every move, because she would have known that my disconnection wasn't from being tired.

I don't know if she was trying to please me or not... I think it might've been sincere...

Why do I doubt her so much?

I guess I'm just insecure.

Am I really hurt that badly?

It's not the pain of the breakup... I assumed she was fine because she was perfectly happy breaking it off and carrying on.

I was a lot less willing...

I guess it's not a bad thing she was able to carry on normally. No matter how I felt.

And it was alright for her to break up with me. I mean... yeah, I guess I wasn't ready like she said. And I couldn't make her happy. And I kept trying so hard to please her.

And I was hyper.

And I didn't love ferrets.

And I didn't respect her space enough.

I was needy and clingy.

Everything I wasn't is everything she wants.

I really don't think I'm going to find anyone else. Unless she's a gold digger or paid or forced...

If the 'normal' girls at school are any indication, I'm not anything special. There's always the better man.

I'm glad I have friends who can put up with me. I don't understand why they all rose to my aid...

Well, Casey I understand.

Ethan says he's been through an almost identical situation before...

Nick is the one I don't get.

He rose to help me. After all I did to his sister.

I hurt her. I hurt her so often and he still came.

He doesn't know me... He should be happy I'm in pain. Serves me right.

This whole experience has really widened me up to a few things.

I'm the same as the jerks at school.

I'm just not that good of a guy.

I'm nothing special.

I don't pay enough attention to the one's I love.

I tend to be a jerk.

I joke at the worst times.

I take everything personally.

I can't be trusted.

I read too far into things.

My assumptions are wrong.

My desire to play video games is stupid.

I don't know what God thinks of me completely. I don't know how he views these things. My dad might agree to a good number.

Why do I feel that if I enjoy something or desire to do it, I am suddenly aware that it's probably not God's will for me?

I would love to voice act or act on TV or in live theater, but it can't be what God wants. I would mess it up. It would become about me. I have all these daydreams that are stupid. I would crumble in the limelight.

God, what do you want me to do?

June something through July 27. Or so.

All these thoughts have been stirring in my head for 32 days now, if my notes counter can be trusted.

There's so much I want to say I can't.

I want to recapture the feeling. Yes, I know that's emotion.

I want to be alone with God again... at peace... loved... not lonely... not regretful... not pathetic.

She has me thinking that any burst of emotion makes me pathetic. So I apologize for it.

--- After a few days of staring at the journal page in my notes and being unable to continue ---

You know what? Days old journal is old...

I can't type what I really feel her. I know I can't. Someone would get hurt. It just bottles up inside me.

Like a shipwreck in a bottle.

Do they make those? I think I would like one.

Sorry, I'm just a wreck right now.

No. I can't type that.

No. I can't put that down either.

No. Anything in the front of my mind is the exact thing I cannot write.

No. I can't do that for reasons I know well.

No.

No.

God...

What am I supposed to say?

I can't type that out...

Nor that...

You know what it is, Lord...

Chew on This, World

If you remember Everything then Nothing means Anything.

June I-care. God-cares.

God... I finally love you... please forgive me for making Mick try to live up to you. She never made it.

June who-cares

Tux-

You're sitting here moping and hurting and thinking your birthday is ruined when you could be getting back up, reading your bible or trying to appreciate the good in you instead of focusing on your fifth nearly-fatal mistake. You lost the center of you life and you feel hopeless and lost. You had something to cling to that made you feel happy and it's gone because it was human and you weren't ready. Tux, you're an immature, selfish brat. You're no different that all the 'idiots' you mock. You're just like all of them. You're a hypocrite.

You've been pretending to be a Christian. When you hear them sing songs of praise, you step back and wonder if they're really praising God or if this is all just a big hoax. You think they sound like brainwashed drones and you don't want to sing along because you hate your voice, you don't want to be fooled, and you've never experienced any of the things they sing about in the songs. You claimed to be saved early and complained that you didn't know what a life in sin was like, so you couldn't tell the difference. Do you like it? Are you enjoying your life in sin? Does it feel GOOD?! Are you done with lying to yourself? To everyone else?

You think Mick and momma are crazy, the way they attribute everything to Jesus. You're amazed at how often they talk about him like there's nothing else in the world, Tux, because you believe there is. You don't think everyone needs salvation. I'd like to show you hell for five minutes and see if you come back better minded.

And while I'm at it, Tux, you're disgusted with the way Emily treats Mick like a little human. You screamed in frustration when you read her last praise for him on the blog. You said he doesn't let her wipe away her years, she picks him up and forcefully rubs him against her eyes. He doesn't want to kiss her, he wants the praise that follows. He doesn't want to comfort her, he just wants affection like all animals. He might can sense emotions, but not to the extent of consoling her when she's upset. And she's usually only upset because of YOU, Tux, you ungodly little brat. You loving her so much was the REASON she left. She hung on just for your happiness, just so you wouldn't fail school, just so she wouldn't destroy you, because you had redeeming qualities, even if you can't see them. You know you have them, and you hate that, because you would rather be ground into the dirt you came from. You really don't think there's hope and you did want her leave. You don't know if this is God's plan like you always ask because you don't know God. You're weak. You're soft. You don't deserve anything. You never paid attention to her you. You're typing this out in anger, finally realizing just how split your mind is. Does it feel good? Talking to yourself and another person? Do you feel crazy yet? Carry on.

Tux... please don't let go... I'm not angry with you and I love you. You deserve grace and mercy. You're not a bad person. You are a Christian, you're not lying to yourself. The people in your life are there for a reason, to help you during times like these. You're a wonderful person, despite the flaws you can fix. Don't be mad at yourself. Don't be mad at others. I know you're angry. Don't worry. Just pray.

And since you're so hurt by it, Reid is gone now. Don't worry. The way she talked about him was a long time ago, and no matter how perfect for her he sounded, she doesn't love him now. You wanted to idolize him after hearing about it, I know. He had the good qualities you thought you didn't. He was funny and smart and cute and he always knew what to do. You considered yourself useless after that, and you weren't. Don't believe Satan's lies. Don't worry about Ethan, either. I know you thought he was the reason she broke up with you at first, but he loves someone else and God really has called her heart to missions. Especially in Japan.

DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T. That's all I heard up there. EVERY. SENTENCE. You always ignored her. You gave her nothing she needed. You went and played Portal, didn't you?. You lied and said your family wanted to spend time with you. You cheated on her with a VIDEO GAME. How pathetic is that? If I had to make a new scale for patheticness, I would put your name at the top. You've been such a failure and you're trying to pull yourself out? Big whoop. You're not going anywhere. You know how you treat your friends like this? Doesn't it feel fantastic? I feel fantastic. Isn't that that song you listen to? The Golden Age of Video too? Those songs with cuss words? Some 'Christian' you are, you jerk. You are a jerk. Just like the guys at school. What the irony.

Tux, please, try to focus on me... those are lies. You tried to give Mick what she needed, and she loves you dearly, more than you know! You just

Hey, Miss Goody-two-shoes, you messed up the ending. LOVED. She's moved on! She'll find better, don't you worry. She offered to make out with you as a friend, right? Ethan's a friend, isn't he? Bet she loves him dearly too. And Casey! He's always an encouragement and a listening ear! You weren't ever that, were you? Nope! She'd be happy! In fact, they're so close, Holli tried to commit suicide over it! Ha! You weren't going to tell anyone that, either! You always feel small and clingy and ignored? Well, they don't. And neither does your oh-so-perfect Mick! You know what's not true? Opposites don't attract, they repulse and revolt each other! Nice job being revolting, kiddo! XD A revolting little pervert. You thought she liked that? She didn't. She just wanted to hang on to

Tux! Please! Let God speak to you! Go to his Word! Don't listen!

Yeah, because a dusty old book is going to help you. Fat chance. Sure, it might make you feel a little better, but it's not going to help your relationships. I'm going to post this all over your little blog and make EVERYONE hate you. Help Me? How appropriate. You don't need help, you need a miracle.

Miracles happen! Please, Tux! Keep trying! God wants to love you! You're important! Don't leave everything behind. I love you, Tux, and so does God. You're a mess, but you're a beautiful mess. You care too much about what people think of you... please just be yourself!

Too late, woman. He'll be dead to his precious Emily Maria Jones! How exciting! I'm giddy! This is what he really wanted all along, right?

No! He loves her with all of his heart, soul, mind, and strength... she is his God. If he could focus on the real God, they would be so happy together... forever...

Forever? He's going to hell now. He'll have lots of fun! Can't wait.

Tux, please...

I think I know what spiritual warfare is now.

June 1

Critical.

Critical.

Critical.

Criticalcriticalcriticalcriticalcritical.

Always critical, that's me.

And more of myself than others. Usually.

I'd like to pose a question, God. If you don't mind.

Why can't I accept the good things about me instead of focusing on the bad?

Like, for example.

She really does love me, even if there are a million little things I'm doing wrong I could nitpick at.

I talk fast, but it adds a sort of charm. That's a bit of a stretch.

I'm sensitive, but at least I'm not Mr. Macho.

I can't sing, but I can write all right.

I have good idea sometimes, even without a way to carry them out.

I'm negative but,

Well. Right now I'm being positive, I think.

It feels pretty good.

It's weird.

But I can see how this could add seven years to my life. Mick would have me seven years longer, Lord willing.

CRAP.

I just realized.

That social skills aspie workbook was actually right!

That whole positive countertalk thing works.

I'm surprised.

I thought they were whackjobs.

God, help me to be more positive like this, and less self-critical. Please. Help me to keep away those gray moods that seem to overtake me.

May 23

I'm never going to add up to him.

The way she speaks of him. He was on a pedestal in her eyes. She idolized him.

I crouch by her feet and beg for love constantly. And when I force her to, she gives it.

Casey says I'm what she needs now and she has to accept that.

I need to accept that.

He told me what he thinks I am.

"You are so sweet to her."

Except when I'm dragging her down.

"You say 'I love you' even though you know she'll respond with something stupid like 'I love me too!'."

She doesn't always end it at that...

"You do everything you can for her."

No, I don't. I still do things for myself. I'm self-serving.

"And the affection she doesn't always accept is really what she needs."

I just give it at the wrong times. That's my problem. I can't stay cold as stone like her. I'm not tough. I'm tender.

I watch [TITLE REDACTED]. Does not compute with tough. I'm a wimp. No matter how funny that show is, I'm not a man. Or the man she needs.

"She puts herself in a tough shell and can't open up for anyone because she doesn't want to."

Lord... help me break her shell... somehow. Or maybe you can just slide it off her gently. Like a silk dress.

This shell is tough... I can't break it on my own. I hate hurting her.

I wanted to spray the rest of the chocolate axe she loves into my eyes after last night.

I'm a pansy.

Lord, help me...

I just want to make her laugh.

(*But [REDACTED] does = awesome. That computes. I'm just not... enough of a man.)

May 18

I ran to second base.

Do I have character?

Or am I the problem in all my relationships?

I think I'm just a nice guy...

Nothing beyond that.

May 13

I act like I don't know you, when I crash you're the first I go to, when

I'm down and feeling alone, I'm better off with you...

Is that true for me? Who do I go to?

Mick. That's who I go to.

God, I feel inferior to everyone. I feel undeserving of anything good. I feel like I'm a pathetic mistake.

Which is funny because you don't make mistakes.

God, don't ask me why, but I find it hard to have faith. To trust.

It comes so naturally for Mick. She makes everything seem so easy, so simple.

When you're me on the inside, it's not.

Stone.

I wonder if the feeling right before someone dies is anything like this.

Numb. Cold. Blank. Like a gray granite countertop.

Or is granite too pretty of a countertop?

I feel ugly.

This feeling is making me sick.

Nick's so happy. She says she doesn't have a reason. I'm confused.

She's just doing it for my sake. Trying to make me feel better. She cares about me.

I don't deserve

Maybe I won't finish that sentence.

I could list a thousand things I don't deserve.

My own love.

Mick's love.

God's love.

Acceptance.

Hope.

Happiness.

Worth.

I don't even deserve to deserve anything.

I only have two of the above right now. I'll give you a hint: They're the two most important.

I'll give you another hint: It's not the first one.

I'd hate to die like this.

Because I feel like the old me.

And the old me put a five for chance of going to heaven.

That his parents manipulated him into putting a 10.

I wish they could just let me be honest to myself for once.

That's why I have Mick and the hours between 10 PM and 5 AM.

I don't want to feel like this the next time I see Mark.

Because I won't make it out of that office without breaking.

God, give me anything...

May 7

I have serious issues.

That is all.

May the 4th be with you.

Speaking aloud to God is about as useful to me as yelling at a football game or fumbling for a witty comeback at the general group of jerks that surround me.

I trip over words and sprawl over sentences. I stutter. My thoughts get blended and mixed before they leave my head.

It's easier here, when it's not in my voice. It helps me to sort them.

Sort. That's a laugh. I'm not organised.

I can be more honest here.

Like, for example.

God, I feel like I love Mick more than you.

And that's going to earn me death for real this time when she reads it. She'll leave me.

I know it's a problem, but I... I don't know how to love someone less. Unless that someone is my mom...

I need to love you more God. I don't know how to.

Probably reading my Bible, right? Yeah.

I've got a new big Bible. Mark gave it to me. It's for my discipleship thing with him.

This week: James 1:1-3. Study and take nuggets out of it.

He jumped right in. He didn't ask questions about my walk or personal life.

We talked about identity.

And I got a little suspicious.

I know it's obvious that I'm 'Tucker the Boyfriend', but some of the things he said were dead on.

Did Mick talk to him?

God, give me troubles and trials... I want to know if I'm really for you.

May 2

Thank you for helping me make my dream come true.

That was the title of the mass email sent from my Drama teacher to all of us.

It meant so much to me. I had been a part of something I love.

My dream is to be on stage. His dream was to direct a huge, professional drama/musical.

Magic happens when dreams collide. Magic and the smell of friction, smoke, and sweet, sweet things.

It's so lovely.

Thanks for the experience, God.

May 1

Every Sunday night God tries to tear me apart.

Apparently I have a knack for staring off posts poetically, but that's beside the point.

I take a class called 'Dating to the Altar'... God knows this, and that's who I'm writing to.

I'm inadequate. That depresses me like the old days.

EVERY NIGHT. Without fail. Reagan says something that makes me either want to change or die. Or both.

Combine that with previously mentioned lingering confusion/turmoil from that one day and my life feels ridiculous.

Unreachable goals.

Self-inflicted obstacles.

Crazy, stupid, pointless dreams.

I want to be on stage. That way, I can be something I'm not without being called out or judged.

Yes, I love drama. Yes, I have a passion for drama. Yes, I take my theatre seriously.

But that's my crazy stupid dream.

I know not to say it's unattainable. But somedays my life feels like a big relapse.

I want it. And that's a big thing for me. To actually want something.

I lived complacent and controlled for so long that it was hard for me to decide anything. I had no passion. Nothing.

I'm still getting over it.

I lost my train of thought. Maybe it'll get back on rail next time...

Lord, help me to be the freaking leader I have to be to feel the slightest bit adequate.

Lord, help that sort of bluntness never be said to you again... I'm supposed to respect and obey you, not talk back to you like that.

God, I need help. And hope.

Help me to deal with Mick the way I should. Take away this confusion. Bring me peace.

April 28

April 28

I came close to death.

Internally, anyways.

I almost lost her. It was the worst experience of my life. She was going to leave.

I considered suicide. But I'm a wimp. I would never.

But she's still here and happy and loving.

Why? No one will tell me why.

All I told her was that I had been praying and reading my bible and writing this journal. And she came back.

She had written me a long heartfelt letter that described in detail how she was feeling about me. And I told her what I had been doing... those two things don't add up in my head. She begged me to take her back, and that confused me even more...

I don't deserve her. Yes, I've been doing all those things, but I still treat her worse than she deserves. I should've begged her...

I'm still a wreck on the inside. I don't want to tell her, though. I care about her too much.

But sometimes it feels like too little... God, help me to understand.

Thank you for the opening night going so well. Help us all to keep it up. Please make tomorrow's show amazing, for your glory.

Help me to treat Mick the way you demand your children to be treated. Teach me to be a leader, Lord.

April 20

I have to wonder.

I have to wonder why I felt that hole again, God. Because I merely skimmed my Bible that morning.

I felt depressed and lonely like I did before it all clicked, God. I needed someone, anyone... you weren't there.

I mean, not with me. Not comforting me.

Is it because I didn't pray and ask? I guess it's my fault.

It's always my fault.

I'm feeling it again.

God, help me to be better to Mick. Help me to treat her the way you want me to treat her.

Help me to stay close to you, God. Or at least help me try.

Help all of us in The Sound of Music. Let us give our best and make it a phenomenal show for your glory. And even if it isn't, use it for your gain.

God, somedays I don't feel like telling you a love you. It's been hollow for too long. I'm still not sure.

But help me anyways...

April 18

April 18, 1 Day until Portal 2

I think I get it now. I don't understand it, but I get it. Does that make sense?

I get it. I get why I have to do it. I know why I want to do it. I don't understand how to do it, but I'm doing it anyways.

Heck, I don't even understand it.

When he said not to marry someone who doesn't show these qualities, that hit me like a spear to the rib cage. I knew I had to change. Either that or I could mope and be screwed for the rest of my life.

Anyways.

I felt different for the first time in my life today. Is this change? Effort? Resolve? I honestly don't know. But it's God.

I don't know if I acted that different today, but I didn't feel as alone as I normally do. That's pretty good.

God, I want to pray that you'll heal my sister completely. I know it seems like I don't care, but just looking at her, bald and being injected with chemicals... it really does hurt. I thank you that you've been working on her already.

Help me to take nothing forgranted. Help me to remember that everything is yours, and for a purpose.

Help me to see the beauty in life, God. There must be so much I've missed in my bubble of depression, shame, and pity.

Help me to joke as easily as I always do. Thank you for gifting me with a sense of humor... even sarcastic. That's not a typical thing for an aspie. Thank you for giving me the ability and opportunity to act.

Help me to balance out Mick, Portal, and the rest of my life.

Lord, help me to stay beside you... or at least right behind you.

April 17

Exactly.

I'm going to actually try and change things now. I'm putting forth an effort for the first time in my life. Dedicating. I've asked Reagan to mentor me. It's his class that gave me my revelation.

He's said yes.

I'm supposed to be the strong spiritual leader in my relationship, but I'm an all around weakling. And I know Mick won't marry me until I become the leader she's supposed to submit to.

God, that may be a selfish motive, but take me. Help me to become that leader. Help me to be honest with Reagan. Give me a desire to know you closer.

Help me to keep my hands off Mick. You know I need that.

I guess

I KNOW this is a turning point in my life. That's just not for dramatic effect. I say guess too often.

God, help me to be less indecisive. Give me your guidance. Show me that I'm a new creation in you, not bound by my sin, personality, inhibitions, or desires. Give me your freedom, Lord. Make me yours.